I wish I had anorexia

Back in 2021, I was working with a client, let’s call her Sara, who was deeply struggling with food restriction and body image. She was over exercising, tightly limiting her caloric intake, and had started purging on days she’d exceeded her allowed intake. The purging was a red flag for her – she recognized it was a concerning behavior, but she didn’t identify as having disordered eating in general. Sara was convinced her very low calorie diet was normal eating. And the daily HIIT workouts? To her, that was a healthy workout plan.  

Sara, like many of the folks our dietitian team works with, was not especially thin. She did not appear emaciated. She was not “underweight” or even “normal weight” according to the BMI scale. Because her weight didn’t match the outdated and problematic cultural stereotype of anorexia, she felt confident that her food issues were related to overeating.  

For the record, she was not overeating! Her extreme restriction and over exercising were leaving her ravenously hungry which was the cause of her eating over her allowed intake – she wasn’t out of control around food, she was starving.  

One day in session, frustrated with what felt like her inability to control her hunger, she confided:  

“Sometimes I wish I had just a little bit of an eating disorder.” 

“Sara,” I gently replied, “with so much compassion I have to tell you that you do have an eating disorder.” 

I was moved by Sara’s vulnerability and honesty. And it got me thinking there were probably lots of folks wishing they had an eating disorder without realizing they were already struggling with disordered eating. Shortly after our session I posted What if I kinda wish I had an eating disorder? to our blog. Four years later, this hasty 650 word post remains the second most read post on our blog. And month after month, our search engine analytics confirm that queries like, “I wish I had an eating disorder” or “I wish I had anorexia” are a top driver of traffic to our site.   

And honestly, I find this all heartbreaking.  

So, reader, if you’re here because of an internet search, here’s what I want you to know: 

But first, my standard disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individualized medical or mental health care. It does not constitute a patient-provider relationship. The content of this post might not feel useful to you right now—please take the information that serves you and leave the rest.  

You’re probably already struggling with food. 

The National Eating Disorders Association reports that about 9% of the US population will develop and eating disorder in their lifetime. But the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder can be flawed, leaving many folks struggling with disordered eating undiagnosed. Just because you don’t “officially” have an eating disorder, doesn’t mean you don’t have disordered eating. Reflect on what brought you to this blog post. Some part of you is wishing you had an eating disorder. Why do you feel that way? 

Are you spending a lot of energy thinking about food? Are you already planning what you’ll have for dinner while you’re eating lunch? Do you stress about the snacks in the office breakroom – negotiating with yourself or trying to talk yourself out of eating them? Do you promise yourself you’ll “be good” or “eat clean” this week, only to be derailed when a friend asks if you want to meet for pizza? 

Are you experiencing body image distress? Is it difficult to pick out clothes in the morning or do you find yourself defaulting to baggy attire or athletic wear to avoid thinking about appearance? Do you check your appearance in reflective surfaces (store windows, car mirrors) to make sure you look ok? Are you sometimes so distracted by your appearance that you can’t concentrate on the people or activity that’s in front of you? 

Maybe you don’t meet all the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder. But if you’re experiencing distress around food and body, you are almost certainly dealing with some degree of disordered eating. The next time you notice yourself wishing you had an eating disorder; I’d encourage you to approach that thought with compassion. Perhaps you’re already struggling more than you’d realized? 

Eating disorders come in all shapes, sizes, genders, races, and ages.  

The stereotype of the bone skinny teen or twenty something girl with anorexia is outdated and harmful. People of all body sizes can and do struggle with eating disorders, including anorexia. And it’s all too common for people at higher body weights to be labeled as binge eaters or overeaters when they are, in fact, anorexic. Our practice has worked with several folks with an “O” BMI whose intake was alarmingly low. And I don’t mean short team crash diets. I mean people eating less than half their calorie needs for months or even years. Yes, you can be fat and starving. While some folks will lose weight on very low-calorie diets, many will simply experience metabolic adaptations that result in weight stagnation regardless of restriction.  

And oh my gosh, eating disorders a not just for young white women. There is no reason to believe any one person or group is less likely to develop an eating disorder than any other person or group. In fact, people who’ve experienced food insecurity may have an increased risk or disordered eating. People with marginalized identities are more likely to feel pressure to conform to the dominant culture. And, I can’t stress this enough, people in midlife are experiencing disordered eating at an alarming rate. Your age, race, or body size does not determine whether or not you have an eating disorder.    

You might be restricting more than you realize.  

Many people with eating disorders or disordered eating perceive themselves to be eating much more than they are. Diet culture drastically underestimates calorie needs. A 1600 calorie/day diet is considered semi-starvation. A 1200 calorie/day diet isn’t enough for a toddler or large breed puppy. Fine, you’re “overeating” according to your low calories diet. But you’re still undereating according to your body’s needs. And this type of chronic restriction leads to backlash eating which feels chaotic and out of control. Let’s use the metaphor of holding your breath underwater. Your body is getting more and more anxious for air. When you finally take a breath, it’s bound to be a big, dramatic gasp. It’s going to feel out of control because it is out of your control - your body can’t wait any longer for air, it’s going to take the breath it needs. This is the same with food. When you’re chronically hungry your body will demand food. Perhaps you misunderstand this primal drive for food, believing you need to be more restrictive, more controlled. But the reality is restriction is causing your backlash eating.  

Now ok, maybe you aren’t physically restricting? Perhaps you’ve given up on diets and food rules but you’re still feeling out of control? Clients will often insist, “But I’m not restricting! I’m eating ice cream every night!” Ok, I hear you. But how do you feel about the ice cream? What are you telling yourself when you’re eating it? Psychological restriction is still restriction. If you’re shaming yourself for eating the ice cream, arguing with yourself to stop eating it, or promising you won’t eat it again tomorrow – that’s psychological restriction. It triggers the same backlash cycle as physical restriction and it will keep you stuck in a disordered eating pattern.  

Another diet isn’t going to help.  

Sigh . . . I know, I know. Diet culture is always promising that this latest tool, tracker, or meal plan is the answer. And these days, the diet industry has even co-opted intuitive eating language with strategies like “intuitive weight loss” or “flexible dieting.” Noom advertises small goals and behavior change. My Fitness Pal says you can track your calories without guilt or shame. Sorry, reader, these are marketing strategies designed to get your money – they will not enhance your relationship with food.  

Dieting is a known independent predictor of disordered eating. The younger people begin dieting, the more frequently they diet, the more likely they are to develop an eating disorder. And eating disorders are extremely complex. They aren’t just about weight loss. Over time, eating disorders and disordered eating become a way to cope and control. So, when a relationship or job isn’t going how we’d hoped, we turn to food restriction or emotional eating to manage our frustration. Adding a diet on top of an eating disorder is a recipe for disaster. No matter what they promise, a wellness reset, weight loss transformation, or low inflammatory diet will only worsen already disordered eating.  

You deserve support.  

There are absolutely professionals who can help. You are not in this alone! It’s all too common for people with eating disorders and disordered eating to minimize their symptoms.  

“It’s not that bad.” or “I should be able to fix this myself.” 

Sound familiar? The dietitian team at Food Wonderful works with folks all along the disordered eating spectrum. If you wish you had an eating disorder, that’s you. We can help you tone down food noise and feel less distress at mealtimes. We can offer body image support. We can help you build a meal plan that’s nourishing and sustainable.  

And it’s not just us. There are plenty of excellent eating disorder informed therapists and dietitians doing the same good work as our team. The eating disorder community is compassionate, supportive, and well informed. My eating disorder colleagues are some of the most eager, earnest, and passionate folks I know. We want to help. All you need to do is reach out.  

With Compassion, 

Stephanie